OK I know what you’re thinking and maybe your right. But then again you may not know the whole story. Let me explain a few things before you waste your vote on my stupid opponents.
Sure I voted yes on the pro child slavery bill, but that doesn’t mean I hate kids, I just think they can be put to better use as factory workers. It’s cheaper than robots, I’m looking out for the consumer on that one. Let’s face it, kids are easily replaced and new business can grow from the “grief culture” induced by the heartbroken parents who lose their children to foreign enslavement. I could see a young business doing gangbusters selling grief oriented “succesory” style inspirational posters. Yes grief is sad, but remember, grief sells.
Yes I also voted to pass legislature that would in effect commit billions of dollars to new research that would allow for cloning of the T Rex (a la Jurassic Park) to be used by the Austin Military (another of my beloved pet projects) as trained attack dinosaurs. I’m about innovation, and I think we need to keep an open mind. Plus, T Rex, that would be cool. Kick some foreign butt with the trained T Rex…
And you’re right, I was caught having an affair with a female impersonator named Eric, but I can explain. Technically we were not caught as we were not keeping our love affair a secret and we all know my wife is a hag. Yes Eric and I are into heavy S and M but I assure you that when I am elected mayor of Austin this will have no influence on my policy. Except that I will loosen the restrictions on how close strip clubs and liquor stores can be to schools.
In defense of my organized horse fighting ring recently exposed by a nosey journalist, I believe the horses really like it. The horses are having fun, blowing off some steam, and sure a few lives are ruined with the high stakes gambling but that shouldn’t be something to be ashamed of. People need to learn that it’s bad to lose. If elected mayor of Austin I promise to legalize horse fighting and will erect an unprecedented horse fighting mega stadium in a fully developed area near the Barton Springs pool. That way we can just chuck the dead (or dying) horses into the pool for easy disposal. I’ve always said I would spend more time on the greenbelt if there was better shopping so once elected I will immediately push this through.
So I hope I have dispelled some of the myth surrounding my private life as we move forward toward the next election and I feel confident you will elect me as your new Mayor. Austin is a pretty OK place, and if we work together to bring new industries (horse fighting, child worker indoctrination centers, dinosaur cloning sector, S and M device manufacturing, grief product specialization, etc.) I’m sure we can um, move forward into the future. Together. Kind of. Because if elected I’m probably going to move to LA with Eric, maybe try modeling or something. Whatever. Vote for me.