November 25, 2008

Thinsperation – How to Squash Your Hunger

Ever since I tricked myself into feeling heartbroken so I could write about it I’ve lost my appetite and still feel a bit heartbroken. FYI, the previous post about being all sad about a girl that lives far away is pretty much all true, just highly exaggerated. I really dug deep and reveled in the gloom of feeling love lorn because it was low impact and frankly kind of nice to know that someone could instigate such existential feelings in my normally stony heart. Sure I know millions of attractive women, nice ones too. But this girl in question is sweet. Like really really sweet. Like she wouldn’t hurt a fly and has a soft voice. Whatever about all that, she’s going to read this and think I am crazy but what I really want to talk about here is hunger and some of the techniques I’ve developed to suppress it.

I know this is a touchy subject but that’s what I do here, talk about real shit. First off I want to say that I know many people who have uncontrollable hunger issues. They are always hungry and their body types reflect that and it’s OK. I’m not commenting on anyone else here and I’m not trying to rub it in that my appetite for food has greatly diminished recently. I should add too that while I have developed a certain level of visible scrawn, I still have a fat belly from drinking tons of beer all the time, so we’re not all too dissimilar. In fact this article should be called something like “How to drink a million beers and not get fat? Don’t eat”.

Anyway, first things first, don’t eat breakfast. if you can get past this you are half way to a zero exercise slim down I promise. I don’t advocate drinking cokes and what not because of all the sugar, but I find that one caffeinated soft drink a day can be a good means of hunger abaitment. I go to 7-11 and get a Gulp (not a Big Gulp) of Dr. Pepper on ice and that usually quells any pangs of hunger for a few hours. Another trick you can use when avoiding eating is to just eat a handful of something. Just eat one handful of Wheat Thins or Cheeto’s. I’ve gotten it down to the point where I can eat like ten Wheat Thins and not feel hungry anymore.

By the way, these tips are also good if you are on a budget or poor like me. On that note, whenever you start to think about food quickly think of all the starving people in the world. I’m not kidding here. Think about how many people go without food for days, even weeks, and it’s perfectly normal and accepted by the global community. I think a child dies of starvation every three minutes or something so why the hell do you really need to eat four slices of pizza? You will survive quite happily on two and frankly if you were a good person you would eat one and give the other to a homeless guy.

So we have covered the basics, no breakfast (or lunch for that matter) just a caffeine drink, only eat a handful of food in the early evening, and remember all the really hungry people for thinspiration. Here’s a big one that I forgot to mention earlier, never eat ice cream. I know that sounds terrible, but like all things, out of site out of mind. It doesn’t matter how much you like it, stay the hell away from ice cream. Same goes for anything fried. I live in Texas so it is hard to avoid fried foods but with some will power it can be done. It should go without saying here that eating fried food once a week is not a big deal, just not every day! Unfortunately the same does not apply to ice cream because they put magic addiction dust in Ben and Jerry’s and if you eat it once you are basically eating it all day every day for the rest of your life.

Another good food replacement is some kind of micro nutrient drink or smoothie. I can not tell you how valuable these drinks are in acquiring much needed healthy nutrients and suppressing hunger. Yeah they are almost three dollars but that’s better than the ten you were going to spend on that chicken fried steak. There is one drink out there called “Green Machine” and for whatever reason, aside from making me run quickly up the stairs to my apartment I am more prone to writing poetry after having one. Oh yes I almost forgot one of the most important elements to my routine- live in a walk up. I live on the third floor for a few main reasons, good view off the balcony, no one walking around above me, and built in exerciser.

At this point I have to say that if you can get through most of the day without consuming much food you can now pretty much go crazy with dinner. I mean don’t go too crazy, and if you begin to follow my version of the anorexia diet as I have just laid out, you probably won’t feel like going crazy anyway because you have now embraced the concept of a calculated low food intake lifestyle and you will be too busy buying tighter jeans and hooking up with other heroin chic hipsters at Beauty Bar to miss the molten brownie thing at Chili’s. If you follow my instructions you too will enter the realm of actually shopping at American Apparel for clothing other than t-shirts. How exciting is that?

I will say right now that while I myself quit smoking several years ago, there is no better way to avoid hunger than smoking cigarettes. I choose not to use that method, but I would be remiss if I didn’t mention it.

And last but not least, back where I started. The numero uno method of hunger reduction is getting a broken heart. It sucks, I know, but aside from all the self denial it is the most natural, organic, and effective way of just not wanting to eat. I’ve been through this time and time again and man do I look svelte after a good old fashioned heart smashing. I had to dig deep on this one but I found that sensation and amplified it. Use sense memories if you have to, think about the girl or boy who dumped you in high school. Hell, think about the girl or boy that dumped you last week. Or do like me, find a sweet and pretty girl who lives nowhere in the area and pine about it. You might want to be honest about your true intentions with all the pining (losing weight) or else that person might get too serious and decide to move to town and want to start a family, and we don’t want that, now do we? It’s too much fun being skinny and single and wearing the aforementioned tight pants to the club.

I want to go on the record that I am not into skinny girls. I mean they are OK but that’s not my first preference. I think women with curves are the most beautiful so please ladies don’t take this as a provocation to become bulimic. Also, while I am writing this with a certain amount of jokeyness, I am writing from personal experience and I do all of the above. I don’t think I need to say it but obviously your health is important and I am suggesting not to be a real anorexic, but that thin is not automatically a bad thing as the model haters would have you believe. Also thin is not some sexist ploy by men to make women unnaturally into something they are not – real men like a voluptuous woman. I hate to say it but it’s gay dudes and other women who have created the stereotype that all women should be thin. Don’t kill the messenger on that one, just look at who works at Vogue.

So in summary, here are my ten points for being a thinner you:

1. No breakfast

2. No lunch

3. One caffeine drink a day

4. Three to four micro nutrient drinks a week

5. Only eat a handful of snacks

6. Think about all the starving people

7. Take the stairs

8. Smoke cigarettes (optional)

9. Get your heart broken (or recreate the feeling)

10. Be poor

There you have it. No need to thank me, just buy me a beer with all the money you will have saved from not eating. My next how to guide is going to be about quitting smoking, probably the main reason I had to go on the anorexia diet to begin with!!



  1. I really hope this post is supposed to be humorous.

    Comment by Lola Snow — November 27, 2008 @ 4:17 pm | Reply

  2. whats you number?
    i need a support friend.

    Comment by wanttobeskinny — December 12, 2008 @ 7:13 pm | Reply

  3. This sounds good, but eating breakfast is better for your metabolism. Also I found this crystal lite drink powder you put in your drink. It’s super sweet, 10 calories, and lots of vitamins. Drink that so you can keep yourself hydrated. You’ll go through about 5 glasses without noticing.

    Comment by Mea — December 17, 2008 @ 12:30 pm | Reply

  4. I’d love to live like that. But my stupid bulimia won’t let me anymore. But that’s no worry, I have my own way of staying thin now. Yours is more hardcore though.

    Comment by S. — December 22, 2008 @ 11:59 am | Reply

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