April 6, 2009

I call bullshit on indie rockers

Filed under: Comedy — daz76 @ 4:30 am
Tags: , ,

Everybody always rips on hipsters saying they are lame. Actually, they are cool, and what most people don’t understand is that it’s indie rockers that are the lame ones. I know, I know, I’m not supposed to say that, we’re in Austin, indie music city, blah blah blah. I’m sorry, I call bullshit on indie rockers.

First of all, rock music is commercial as shit from the get go. The indie in indie rock doesn’t mean they are free spirits unshackled by convention, it means they are not on a real record label. And those are the good ones. The worst indie rockers are not signed at all, as independent from anything except maybe myspace. Point being, the use of the term “indie” is false advertising, because they definitely all sound, look, and play the same. I think the term omni rocker would be more appropriate, as in omni-interdependent rockers.

What other bad things have indie rockers done? Oh I don’t know, how about ruining Wu Tang Clan? Remember that?  All of us who were into the first Wu record were mortified when all the white, nerd indie rockers started getting all excited about the Clan. Yeah, we knew already, about two years ago! Total buzzkill. What else, well they tried to ruin Industrial music but couldn’t get past Nine Inch Nails, so aside from a brief intrusion into the world on Japanese Noise industrial is still relatively indie rock free.

Oh yeah, techno. These douche nozzles are currently in the throws of wrecking techno for the rest of us. They hate techno because of it’s ethnic gay roots (even though there is really nothing more gay than singing or strumming, as they do) yet they are jealous of its inherent coolness, so they play it with clunky instruments and heavy speakers and call it indie dance rock. It sucks. It’s bad, omni-interdependent rock vamping the art form of techno and I don’t like it.

Not to harp on the gay issue, but no man should be buying indie rock seven inch singles and actually “enjoying” music. It’s not a gay thing, it’s just a macho thing. Men should not be into music, especially music made by groups of young boys. That’s for girls, indie rock dudes. Also, emoting on a guitar is so masturbatorial it’s hilarious, silly and incredibly fem. Men should only play loud drums or cut records on the turntables, everything else is effeminate except for Motorhead, Cave Dweller, and playing cowbell.

So I think I’ve laid out a pretty good argument against indie rockers and for the sake of brevity I left out some of my lesser complaints such as all the jangling. I’m not trying to hurt any feelings here. No, I’m trying to directly offend the indie rock community so much so that they wake up, smell the coffee, shave their beards, laser remove the tattoos, get new cooler tattoos, grow their hair out like I did, and play some fucking metal.


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