May 29, 2009

Open letter to Gavin McInnes 2: I’m More Screwed and Chopped than You Will Ever Be

Filed under: Comedy — daz76 @ 4:49 am
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Mr. McInnes,

Yet again you have engaged me in your odd world of off beat whatever and all I can say is that if you step to me and suggest that I don’t have cred in the world of screw then I’m coming back atcha on the net so hard all your BASS belongs to us.

What is my relationship with screw? Oh I don’t know, I live it every day maybe? Have you ever talked to me in person (at my house) because I use a pitch shifter on my voice in general conversation to be screwed. I always lean over a bit too, when sitting (leaning) on the couch for effect. My fucking Buick Le Sabre is hated in my apartment complex and they think I’m a hip hop satanist. This shit is not easy, being all screwed down for life.

I’m all chopped up too. Can you imagine what that’s like on a day to day?


I’m sorry but there is just no way I can mean mug you enough with my virtual e mail grill to express what I’m feeling here my president. Don’t come at me on the screw or else we are going to have a long ass slowed down conversation about it (pause) and to be real I can’t afford the jewelry right now.

SUC one love.



May 26, 2009

In my Defense…

Filed under: Comedy — daz76 @ 3:04 am
Tags: , , ,

OK I know what you’re thinking and maybe your right. But then again you may not know the whole story. Let me explain a few things before you waste your vote on my stupid opponents.

Sure I voted yes on the pro child slavery bill, but that doesn’t mean I hate kids, I just think they can be put to better use as factory workers. It’s cheaper than robots, I’m looking out for the consumer on that one. Let’s face it, kids are easily replaced and new business can grow from the “grief culture” induced by the heartbroken parents who lose their children to foreign enslavement. I could see a young business doing gangbusters selling grief oriented “succesory” style inspirational posters. Yes grief is sad, but remember, grief sells.

Yes I also voted to pass legislature that would in effect commit billions of dollars to new research that would allow for cloning of the T Rex (a la Jurassic Park) to be used by the Austin Military (another of my beloved pet projects) as trained attack dinosaurs. I’m about innovation, and I think we need to keep an open mind. Plus, T Rex, that would be cool. Kick some foreign butt with the trained T Rex…

And you’re right, I was caught having an affair with a female impersonator named Eric, but I can explain. Technically we were not caught as we were not keeping our love affair a secret and we all know my wife is a hag. Yes Eric and I are into heavy S and M but I assure you that when I am elected mayor of Austin this will have no influence on my policy. Except that I will loosen the restrictions on how close strip clubs and liquor stores can be to schools.

In defense of my organized horse fighting ring recently exposed by a nosey journalist, I believe the horses really like it. The horses are having fun, blowing off some steam, and sure a few lives are ruined with the high stakes gambling but that shouldn’t be something to be ashamed of. People need to learn that it’s bad to lose. If elected mayor of Austin I promise to legalize horse fighting and will erect an unprecedented horse fighting mega stadium in a fully developed area near the Barton Springs pool. That way we can just chuck the dead (or dying) horses into the pool for easy disposal. I’ve always said I would spend more time on the greenbelt if there was better shopping so once elected I will immediately push this through.

So I hope I have dispelled some of the myth surrounding my private life as we move forward toward the next election and I feel confident you will elect me as your new Mayor. Austin is a pretty OK place, and if we work together to bring new industries (horse fighting, child worker indoctrination centers, dinosaur cloning sector, S and M device manufacturing, grief product specialization, etc.) I’m sure we can um, move forward into the future. Together. Kind of. Because if elected I’m probably going to move to LA with Eric, maybe try modeling or something. Whatever. Vote for me.

May 13, 2009

How to Quit Smoking Part 2

Filed under: What does Daz76 have to say about it? — daz76 @ 3:44 am
Tags: ,

So in my previous post (below) we covered the basic concept, divorcing ciggies not nicotine or even all smoke for that matter. I endorsed the nicotine inhaler as the best and most natural feeling way to transition away from cigs because it satisfies many of the actions related to smoking, you have a little box, it feels good in your fingers and you hold it like a cigarette when you inhale that beloved nicotine.

That’s just the start though. I don’t know about you, but smoking for me was tied with many everyday activities like driving, drinking beer, partying, hanging out, having conversations, going to the bathroom, after eating, talking on the phone, breaks at work etc. That’s a lot of stuff that’s going to happen when your former best friend (cigarettes) are going to be sorely missed. I honestly believe that this is the real trouble zone for people trying to quit, more so than nicotine addicti0n because you can have that all you want. What I’m saying is that real determination is required, and more importantly a murderous level of will power. we are talking about a huge lifestyle change that affects almost every part of your life.

If you are sensitive or easily offended skip this section because I’m going get realer than real deal about smoking. If I offend you I’m sorry but you have been warned.

Smoking makes you look stupid. This is 2009, the studies are in, and Native Americans never smoked Marlboro’s around the campfire. Smoking is incredibly irritating to non smokers making it anti-social behaviour. Nobody is saying this to you as a smoker, but they are thinking it. Your skin is all wrinkly and loose. Your cough is disgusting. That phlegm rumble that you cough up and then swallow (if you don’t spit out) makes peoples stomach turn. You know what it looks like, that grey thing you hack up in the shower… You’re eating that! So fucking vile!! You are a slave to an evil industry that is killing you for profit, yet you feel rebellious for smoking. You’re not. In fact what you are doing is the opposite of rebellion, you’re a corporate conformist of the worst kind and non smokers know it. You smell. You have bad breath. Did I mention how gross the coughing is?

Sorry about that, but it had to be said. I smoked for a long time so I am guilty of all that as well. This kind of goes back to my first point of inspiration, it’s actually quite satisfying to have a whole class of people that can be legitimately looked down upon. Human nature I guess…

Once you have committed to the nicotine inhaler for a week or so the initial grief and pain and feeling at a loss begins to subside and a sense of accomplishment eases in. steady up though, this is the danger zone when you feel you are in control and can have a puff or two. This is where it often ends for most people. Even three weeks in you are probably still not totally over smoking and this is when real focus factor is needed.

Process point:

Cut drinking straws into cigarette length size and hold in your hand when out at bars, even fake smoke on them. Nobody will notice of care and as long as you are cranked out of your mind on nice clean smoke free nicotine this technique provides a nice distraction and satisfies the tactile interaction of having a cigarette in your hand. 

Process point:

Meditation and breathing are part of this. I’m not talking about sitting lotus position with a turban on or anything, I’m talking about becoming more aware of how good it feels to breath, and accepting that we all need “quiet time” that cigarettes allow us. Isn’t smoking meditative? It was for me. But then again smoking was everything to me, it was my life. when I was given a box of nicotine gum shortly after beginning my quitting regimen with the inhaler. The box of gum came with a cassette that featured a sort of radio play of a group therapy session for quitting smoking. The therapist was voiced as an Asian man espousing simple concepts about breathing exercises and the various stereotype session attendees chiming in was funny. You have your truck drivin’ tough guy, a grandma, etc. and honestly I found the tape very helpful, if not a bit corny and funny. I have a tape deck in my car so you might want to get a CD like this. They’re out there for cheap and like this blog entry are 100% here to help you quit smoking.

And then gum.

After a certain time period, I’m sure it’s different for everyone, the nicotine inhaler starts to feel redundant. The work involved in loading the nicotine pellets into the inhaler tube, the crack as you twist and break the seal, the “fake” smoking (for lack of a better term) seems excessive. This is when it’s gum time. I’m not a big gum chewer but whatever. The gum is tough and I seem to remember it being bitter, but you know what, that’s OK. Smoking is harsh. All the heat and combustion, maybe even a bit of sulfur in your nose from a match… Smokers like it a bit harsh. So the gum’s not awesome but it’s sort of minty and if you love nicotine like I did it’s good stuff. Chew the gum all day and night until you just don’t want to chew anymore and that’s hopefully when you are a full blown ex-smoker. Time to revel and start gloating at the suckers.

Truth is, and I knew this going into smoking, it’s never over. I often smoke cigarettes in my dreams to this day. I know people that have fully quit smoking for years and then go back. I still love to smell a fresh unlit cigarette or bury my nose in a bag of rolling tobacco. There is no denying some of the pleasurable aspects of cigarettes but you don’t need me to tell you why it’s bad. I just did that in over a thousand words in two parts.

Good luck and everyone relapses before finally putting down the smokes. I will say that I honestly tried and failed quitting about five times over ten years. I can’t say it enough, the inhaler was the system that did it for me, that and a burning anger at the industry that I threw money at for years and years. Get mad about it and I know you can quit. This may sound stupid but it is one of my passions in life to influence people to quit smoking. My grandfather who I never met died of lung cancer from smoking and I know how tragic that was for my mom to watch her dad die slowly and painfully, just wanting to breath. Until he just couldn’t anymore.

I’m not going out like that and I hope you don’t either. That’s all I got as far as the technical side of things but I will write more on this in terms of my relationship and history with smoking because I think it’s pretty interesting, not your typical peer pressured kid wants to be a bad ass kind of thing at all… Next time.

Good luck. You can do it.

May 12, 2009

How to Quit Smoking Part 1

Obviously it’s best not to start. I don’t mean that in any snide way, I bring it up because one of the greatest motivational factors in quitting cigarettes is being able to brag that you did it. Especially to your sorry ass friends who are still hooked, making excuses and treating their health with a glib existential nonchalance. I get it I’ve been there. I mention the not starting thing because on the more positive and less mean tip, one of the greatest things to do is be influential to someone, especially kids, in avoiding smoking to begin with.

So there’s two inspirational quit smoking concepts right there:

1. Gloating at your still addicted smoker friends is genuinely rewarding and

2. It’s mad positive to spread the word of not smoking to kids

Staying on the inspirational tip, lets talk about cigarettes.

Before we do I want you to light up, enjoy the moment. I’m not here talking blood and guts or to scare you. Again I’m not fucking around (I’m known for some sarcasm I guess), I want you to be happy while reading this and I don’t expect you to read this in the throws of quitting. No pressure here, you choose your time to quit. For right now have a smoke and please, read on…

Inspiration 3:

The tobacco industry is so powerful and evil it’s scary. They add poisonous chemicals to the tobacco that make the product more addictive. Research the tobacco industry and watch “The Insider”. Great quiting inspiration, I watched it while smoking.

Now for the how to. Later I will talk about my relationship with the old cowboy killers and my experience quitting, but I’m going to keep this part really simple and technical.

First keep this in mind – you are two things, a cigarette smoker, and a nicotine addict. Basic premise with my quit smoking plan. Here’s what I’m proposing to you: Stay a nicotine addict, quit cigarettes. I shit you not you can do it.


Nicotine gum sucks (at first) and is not central to my plan. But I’m sure that’s what you are thinking, duh he’s just saying do the gum or get a patch. No! It’s better than than that. They have a thing called the nicotine inhaler. This will be your new best friend as soon as the grief of the death of your old best friend (your last cigarette) begins to subside. And that’s real, take into consideration the mourning process that will happen. That’s why this quitting business is extra tricky, because it’s so not just about physical addiction. It’s very mental.

Quitting smoking step 1.

Nicotine inhaler.

The nicotine inhaler is the greatest quit smoking product on the market or at least the one that worked for me, a former two pack a day Camel Lites man. Here’s why: The process. It totally allows for all the elements that surround a smoking habbit and satisfies the real addiction – sweet sweet nicotine. Keep in mind, nicotine isn’t so bad at all, it’s just pleasurable and addictive and legal and cheap. The method of transmission is the enemy, all the poisonous smoke.

The inhaler comes in a little plastic box that I kept wherever I had kept my smokes before.  One of the greatest aspects to smoking is all the little “breaks” you get in life. Stepping away from it all momentarily. I didn’t give that up. I had my inhaler, that while no cigarette imitation, felt OK between my fingers and if I took a good hit I could feel the pure medical grade nicotine hitting my lungs. My smoking routine was the same, only the smoke was gone.

Before we move on to the next phase of my plan let me share a little trick and again, it may sound obvious but this is real quitting business here and I’m dead serious.

Quitting smoking step 2.

Smoke sometimes.

I know that sounds crazy but hear me out. First up this will never work if you continue to smoke cigarettes even once, because that’s what you are quitting FOREVER. You never said you were quitting cigars though, right? Ganja? It’s all good. In moderation of course, I mean light puffs on a bidi as a treat. I promise that as long as you seriously keep feeding you nicotine addiction with the inhaler you will change the way you relate to smoke and smoking, and it soon loses it’s appeal, trust me. But when you quit cigarettes that’s it, never a puff off a cig again. You can never be a weekend/social cigarette smoker, it doesn’t work, I’ve seen it a million times, and that’s the only rule I propose here.

I’m just coming off a DJ high from a dubstep gig at Ruta Maya but I promised someone earlier that I would follow up on my offer to share help on quitting. DJing has alot to do with why I quit but I just have to chill for now. I’ll be back with part 2 soon. This really is just a start and I really want to help people quit because it’s a real life corporate conspiracy to take your money and kill you and you like it.

In summary, when you are ready to quit buy the nicotine inhaler.

More coming soon…

May 8, 2009

Musical Revelry, Tape Delay #1

Filed under: As a DJ,Tape delay — daz76 @ 5:06 am
Tags: , , , ,

Wow, it doesn’t happen too much but I just found myself in the midst of musical revelry. Instead of just standing there listening like some bankrupted imobile old Pink Floyd fan I decided to start writing about it, the state. I’m listening to Atom TM’s latest release on the high profile experimental/electronic Rastar Noton label, Leidgut. It’s a stunning work of sonic art, incredibly designed digital audio structures that in one moment make no sense and in other moments too much sense, all in a good crunchy glitched out low rez digital way. If you know German electro pioneers Kraftwerk then this is like the best synthetic voice effects and most atmospheric parts of their classic album Radioactivity expanded on.

While this record owes everything to Kraftwerk it is an entirely original work. Except for the final track on the disc which just so happens to be a vocoded sound poem from none other than Florian Schneider, founding member of Kraftwerk. Right now the rhythm I hear is based around that sound that used to happen when a cell phone was near computer speakers – remember that? It’s sonic detritus now and and when processed just right can be an effective sound element in a composition. It brings that retro futuristic aesthetic, although that phantom cell phone sound is all but a thing of the past now, I’m reminded about how weird that was. This is a great piece of music for those with more exotic musical tastes, even academic and conceptualists will find much interest in Atom’s latest work.

BTW Atom TM is also known as Atom Hart, Ewe Schmidt, and most famously Senior Coconut. Check it out, revelry moment 1, over.

Last night I went to the dubstep party at Plush. This sound is considered fresh because it’s just catching on over here but the truth is this thing has been evolving for quite some time. No Doubt there is some eponymous moment when the classic dubstep sound was identified and labeled for categorization, the fact remains that the genre continues to include even more experimental and minimalist ideas. Late night at Plush they drop the tough, heavy stepping wobbled out bangers but if you hang out a little early the Djs play a lot of really experimental stuff, where the focus is more on the sound as the dancers are not quite primed to hit the floor. When a genre of underground UK dance music is incorporating weird shifts in time signature, unresolved measures, and uncanny levels of consistent, repetitive, eye ball wobbling bass we know exiting new musical progress is in effect. Sure check out some dubstep on line or CD but what I’m saying is that the real meaning and significance of the music comes from a physical encounter with a booming soundsytem, hardcore sub-woofers. It’s a bit like getting a massage except you wobble around with other people instead of just laying there.

The other thing I like about going to the dubstep parties around town is that it brings out a very diverse crowd. Many different people are into this music because of the cultural diversity represented in the sound. The dance peeps love it, the hip hop heads love it, reggae enthusiasts, and of course those of us who love dub music.

 Before I wrap it up dubstep has evolved more or less out of the jungle/drum and bass UK styles, and has a heavy reggae influence. Although the tempo seems relaxed, slow, the funk comes from playing with shuffled half time and off rhythms, which often mix well with minimal house or techno beats. It’s atmospheric and dark music, but once you find the groove it’s a stepper’s delight.  Revelry 2, out.

Why did I think that it was important to hate bands like Pink Floyd ( I think I already mentioned them earlier…) or Bob Dylan until just recently? Why did I impose this ban on what I deemed to be “old” music. My parent’s never force fed me their music and what they did play back then I liked. My mom was a fan of mellow singers and we always listened to pop radio in the car. My dad liked rock. Not blaring, but he surprised me once by taking me to see the Police.

The early walkman was a great way to disconnect from the world and I used to listen to all kinds of music with one rule in effect: It had to be modern, if not futuristic. To me that included punk rock, hardcore, rockabilly, goth, etc. The genre was not so much the issue, it was the newness that made it vital. For whatever reason, the Violent Femmes sounded new. Skinny Puppy sounded new. Virgin Prunes sounded new, even when they tried to sound old. Not to mention, by the time I got to most of these bands they were old. This was pre internet when you actually had to do leg work to know about the underground sound.

I’ve always had a very open mind regarding music and I would say that my desert island disc would probably include Carl Stalling, choral music from Bulgaria, Chinese music is amazing, Motorhead, etc.

Sorry I have to stop and call bullshit on myself for that last musical revelry.  First off I’m not even listening to music, the CD ended about five minutes ago. Obviously there is no such thing as a desert island disc these days, right? Now it would be a desert island ipod and you could pretty much put all the music ever on there so making a slim selection anymore is just dumb. I’m putting an end to all reveling right now but I’m happy I did get to mention Carl Stalling, Virgin Prunes, and Florian Schneider all in the same blog. Normally they get their own blog each.

Oh I forgot. I love Steve Martin’s banjo music.

Insane display of a dubstep quick mix. This is how it’s done.

Brilliant on every level – music by Carl W. Stalling.

May 3, 2009

The Night I met Merl Allin

Filed under: Austin life — daz76 @ 9:08 am
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Please, I’m not trying to act like some GG Allin and the Murder Junkies worshiper or anything like that, although I do admire GG for doing what he did instead of just killing everyone. I think it would have been easier for him to just kill. In many ways he probably took the high road.

Way back in the day when I worked at Record Gallery I remember the owner Steve showing me a GG Allin record and I was impressed with the crude gun and knife tattoos etched into his neck on the cover photo. This guy obviously did not give a fuck. Steve gave me the lowdown, that GG performed confrontational hardcore music often naked, often covered in his own shit, and often randomly punching/fighting with people in the crowd. From a distance it sounded AOK to me, but I had no desire to actually witness such a violent and crazy performance. I didn’t want any GG Allin shit on me! But we proudly displayed his records and treated him as a  legendary and exemplary extreme punk rock anti-hero.

GG’s last show happened right around the corner from my old apartment in NYC but I didn’t go. It was at the Gas Station and believe me if you don’t know about that place you missed a fun part of the mid 90’s Lower East Side scene. Where the Gas Station stood was the first place they razed and built new condos in that neighborhood. The end was near, I thought. And I was right. Anyway, that last show climaxed with a naked GG and crowd basically rioting up and down Ave. B. GG ODed in the following hours. In many ways he was kind of the original Steve O, but GG had to die. That was part of it. I watched the documentaries etc. and always had a soft spot for the hated man but nothing special. I think I kept one CD around for good old American teenage shock value.

Later it came to my attention (after watching a GG Alllin documentary, I think it was called “Hated”) I noticed that the guys from GG’s band, the Murder Junkies, were always on my block (4th between A and B in NYC) so I put it together and found out their rehearsal space was a few doors down. Cool but again, whatever. One of the things that you do when you live in New York City is ignore the shit out of anyone remotely famous or well known. You act like you have no idea who they are and I would often add a flourish by acting as if the person they are with is the famous one,  just to add an extra “fuck you famous person – I live here too”.  I’m not kidding that’s a new York thing.

Long story longer, the other night I was in my car listening to local UT student radio KVRX and they announced a ticket giveaway. I got my phone ready because it’s actually pretty easy to win tickets to things on the radio and all I knew is that it was a rock show at Emo’s. I was the first caller and got on the guest list. I had never heard of the bands they were talking about so I looked up the show info at Emo’s website only to find out that yes, there was some over blown indie hard rock thing happening outside, but inside, the Murder Junkies were playing. How could I resist?

So I went, got in free, hooked up a beverage at the bar, sent a cheers to KVRX. I spotted Merl, GG’s brother and longtime bassist for the Murder Junkies. He now has taken over as vocalist minus the shit and blood covered confrontation that his brother was famous for.  It’s still the Murder Junkies though, and they are a fucked up yet crucial part of American musical history whether we like it or not. Obviously I like it.

I introduced myself to Merl, he was just standing there near the merch booth and I pretty much told him what I just wrote here. Really nice guy, I think a bit taken off guard by a momentary reminiscence with a complete stranger of  a funky little block on the Lower East Side of Manhattan where I had lived and he was a Murder Junkie. He assured me that New York City sucks now ( I bet it doesn’t) and for a few moments the intersection at 4th and B came back, more vivid than ever so far.

I think the real moral of this story is that if you care in the least about punk rock or American hardcore music/performance culture you can pretty much meet most of the (still living/active) founders and VIPs of the scene because they all come to Emo’s and it’s easy to win tickets on the radio.

So there you go, me and Merl from the Murder Junkies are pals and I guess you will get mad at me later when you youtube GG Allin and see how freaked out and fucked up what I’m talking about is. Was that English? In my opinion GG Allin was a poet, and I’m proud to have met his brother.

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