June 29, 2009

Filed under: Comedy — daz76 @ 3:21 pm

I was a Michael Jackson Enabler. Sorry.

As many of you know, I am (was) very close with Michael, even in his last days, so obviously I am totally fucking deved (devastated). Michael and I met at a petting zoo in the late eighties, he was petting a small llama and of course I was petting and studying a goat to see if it was really Satanic. It was just a funny moment and we laughed. We share (shared) a similar high pitched giggle and we bonded over it. He with his llama and me with that fugly goat! What a pair we were.

Later Fondue (I called Michael Fondue and he referred to me as Bookshelf, mutual terms of endearment pause) and I would often explore other outdoor activities such as tandem zip line and once we did frivolous bear hunting where we shot bears (pretty much anything moving on the ground was fair game, but we were primarily interested in killing bears) from helicopters using those heavy duty Apocalypse Now type machine guns. It was fucking amazing, like Tropical Thunder with that guy from Iron man and Less than Zero, but Michael was happy back then. There was never any need to bring his nose and the killing of innocents was soothing relief from life in the mirror. He was comfortable around me without the nose because frankly I didn’t give a shit! Who cares about noses? We were killing everything in sight and hangin’ out on drugs like crazy!

Yes I supplied Michael with huge amounts of drugs. And yes I was the one doing the frequent fast food runs, and yes I often assisted Michael in puking up that fast food a few hours later. It may seem weird to you, but to me, this was normal. We all want to taste things but that doesn’t mean we want them inside us, for life, right? In many ways I played the role of friend, confidant, and health adviser, even though I always thought he was doomed.

Much more will come out about my relationship with Michael Jackson in the next few weeks. Primarily because I was the main meth cook behind the operation. Don’t judge just because of the meth, we were also involved in truly legitimate pharms (pharmaceuticals) and when all is said and done you will see that one of my dear friend Michael’s true legacies will be that of a man who whole-heartedly supported getting fucked up legally, and royally, thus the connection with Prince. Pardon my French but Michael would have hated that statement. But his twee giggle would have belied his acknowledgment of how dark life really can be.

I was also Fondue’s main wig caretaker. I always loved hair and all things furry so it was a natural role for me to fall into. Remember, these were the ET years so everything had to be just so with the hair. Mountains of meth too!

As Michael lay dying I was distracted because I also managed the tivo and Party Monster was on. This was myself and Michael’s (as well as a few other upper echelon hangers on and medics/clerics) fave (favorite) documentary. Oh man we’d get fucked up to that! I burned it on to DVD yesterday so he could check it out over at wherever they are doing the new experiments but he was like, “Chill Bookshelf, I’m getting cut the hell up here”. That’s when it hit me – Am I in the will?

Enough about me. I know you just want an update, some simple facts that have not already been leaked by the press. All I can say is so far, so good. They cut him the hell up and apparently the drug intake was strong. So that’s comforting. My only fear is that not enough alcohol was involved. Alcohol is very cleansing and that was a big routine in our lives as really close friends and confidants.

So hey Fondue – You are going to be awesome now, just stay on the table and don’t worry about the full frontal face smush. Happens all the time. Normal as shit.  Why are they building that huge pyre over there? Why is George Herbert Bush here? Is that a giant owl-like figure (shaped remarkably like Moloch, elite god of human sacrifice most widely known in relation to the “Sacrifice of Innocence” ritual involving the staged murder of African American boys) that they are erecting? Saudi Royalty is arriving… Now someone has procured a large cage full of crying young children like something out of the worst parts of Slumdog. It’s obvious they will be sacrificed. And why the other cage of shackled chimpanzees? What could this signify?

I better go, the ritual will begin soon and rumor is that Ruth Buzzi will start tortu-killing the chimps soon. I never thought I would actually understand the Illuminati, much less be it’s meth dealer/wig stylist but here I am. I saw the 9/11 truth videos and was mildly amused but I can now assure the world that Fondue (Michael, sheesh..) was well aware of what would transpire that fateful day in NYC. In fact Bin Laden was over here the other day fucking off in the pool. He loved the giant water slide! Who doesn’t?

I’ll be fucked if this incredible death exhibition doesn’t make the news. It’s like a Mel Gibson movie out here with all the dripping blood and screaming and sacrificing. If that’s what great Moloch demands then we must hasten to achieve his sacred bidding.

942 words.

RIP Michael Jackson, I’m sorry you died so sick and tired. I feel you.



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