May 29, 2009

Open letter to Gavin McInnes 2: I’m More Screwed and Chopped than You Will Ever Be

Filed under: Comedy — daz76 @ 4:49 am
Tags: , , , ,

Mr. McInnes,

Yet again you have engaged me in your odd world of off beat whatever and all I can say is that if you step to me and suggest that I don’t have cred in the world of screw then I’m coming back atcha on the net so hard all your BASS belongs to us.

What is my relationship with screw? Oh I don’t know, I live it every day maybe? Have you ever talked to me in person (at my house) because I use a pitch shifter on my voice in general conversation to be screwed. I always lean over a bit too, when sitting (leaning) on the couch for effect. My fucking Buick Le Sabre is hated in my apartment complex and they think I’m a hip hop satanist. This shit is not easy, being all screwed down for life.

I’m all chopped up too. Can you imagine what that’s like on a day to day?


I’m sorry but there is just no way I can mean mug you enough with my virtual e mail grill to express what I’m feeling here my president. Don’t come at me on the screw or else we are going to have a long ass slowed down conversation about it (pause) and to be real I can’t afford the jewelry right now.

SUC one love.



May 26, 2009

In my Defense…

Filed under: Comedy — daz76 @ 3:04 am
Tags: , , ,

OK I know what you’re thinking and maybe your right. But then again you may not know the whole story. Let me explain a few things before you waste your vote on my stupid opponents.

Sure I voted yes on the pro child slavery bill, but that doesn’t mean I hate kids, I just think they can be put to better use as factory workers. It’s cheaper than robots, I’m looking out for the consumer on that one. Let’s face it, kids are easily replaced and new business can grow from the “grief culture” induced by the heartbroken parents who lose their children to foreign enslavement. I could see a young business doing gangbusters selling grief oriented “succesory” style inspirational posters. Yes grief is sad, but remember, grief sells.

Yes I also voted to pass legislature that would in effect commit billions of dollars to new research that would allow for cloning of the T Rex (a la Jurassic Park) to be used by the Austin Military (another of my beloved pet projects) as trained attack dinosaurs. I’m about innovation, and I think we need to keep an open mind. Plus, T Rex, that would be cool. Kick some foreign butt with the trained T Rex…

And you’re right, I was caught having an affair with a female impersonator named Eric, but I can explain. Technically we were not caught as we were not keeping our love affair a secret and we all know my wife is a hag. Yes Eric and I are into heavy S and M but I assure you that when I am elected mayor of Austin this will have no influence on my policy. Except that I will loosen the restrictions on how close strip clubs and liquor stores can be to schools.

In defense of my organized horse fighting ring recently exposed by a nosey journalist, I believe the horses really like it. The horses are having fun, blowing off some steam, and sure a few lives are ruined with the high stakes gambling but that shouldn’t be something to be ashamed of. People need to learn that it’s bad to lose. If elected mayor of Austin I promise to legalize horse fighting and will erect an unprecedented horse fighting mega stadium in a fully developed area near the Barton Springs pool. That way we can just chuck the dead (or dying) horses into the pool for easy disposal. I’ve always said I would spend more time on the greenbelt if there was better shopping so once elected I will immediately push this through.

So I hope I have dispelled some of the myth surrounding my private life as we move forward toward the next election and I feel confident you will elect me as your new Mayor. Austin is a pretty OK place, and if we work together to bring new industries (horse fighting, child worker indoctrination centers, dinosaur cloning sector, S and M device manufacturing, grief product specialization, etc.) I’m sure we can um, move forward into the future. Together. Kind of. Because if elected I’m probably going to move to LA with Eric, maybe try modeling or something. Whatever. Vote for me.

April 30, 2009

My take on the Austin Mayoral race 09

Filed under: Austin life — daz76 @ 11:20 am
Tags: ,

Brewster McCracken

Brewster McCracken is a Texas native, born in Corpus Christie. A relatively young candidate at 43 he is a graduate of Princeton University. McCracken also holds a law degree from UT School of Law as well as a master’s degree in public affairs from the LBJ school at UT. He is also a former prosecutor and served in the U.S. Army.

Brewster McCracken looks at the “Austin Model” developed in the 1980’s that essentially served as a vision to bring the high tech and bio tech industries to Austin which is now considered to be a globally accepted model for city development. McCracken’s proposed ideas about Austin’s future look to that model but expand on it, taking into consideration emerging industries such as clean energy, which is a major focus of his campaign. He has solidified his popularity with Austin’s creative community by also supporting a strong film, game, and technology driven entertainment sectors which he believes can be future sources for economic and job growth here in Austin.

McCracken is endorsed by many green/clean energy industry leaders and technicians as well as by local entertainment luminaries such as Sarah Hickman and Alamo Drafthouse founder Tim Leauge. The Austin American Statesman has also endorsed McCracken.

Carole Keeton Strayhorn

Carole Keeton Strayhorn is also a native Texan born in Austin and the daughter of long time dean of the UT Law School, Page Keeton. Strayhorn holds an honors degree from UT and began her career in education. She is highly awarded in that field. She became the first woman to become mayor of Austin in 1977 and served until 1983. Strayhorn has also served as the Texas Comptroller of Public Affairs (again the first woman in Texas to do so) as well as serving as Texas Railroad Commissioner. In 2006 she ran for Governor of the state of Texas where to some controversy she was denied including the word “Grandma” in her name on the Gubernatorial ballot, despite the fact that one of her opponents is commonly known as “Kinky” Friedman, a nom de plume. Strayhorn also suffered some humiliation during a televised debate when she did not know the name of newly elected Mexican President Felipe Calderon. Also of interest is that her son, Scott McClellan served as George W. Bush’s press secretary.

Strayhorn has a streamlined set of issues that she focuses on, most specifically the city budget. She has railed against the system of city-financed lobbyists in the state capitol. She is a staunch supporter of law enforcement and is a long time member of the Austin Police Association. She has expressed concern that the city spends thousands conducting archeological research in Zilker Park before spending money on the police and she says that as mayor she would get more police on the street as soon as possible.

Another major issue that Strayhorn has taken on is traffic in Austin. She believes that enough time and money has been wasted on research and studies and wants to implement new strategies in how we commute, including possibly overhauling Capitol Metro. She has also pledged her commitment to supporting small business, promising to modify the red tape laden bureaucratic system that makes it difficult if not impossible for some local business to operate.

Carole Keeton Strayhorn has received the endorsement of ChangeAustin.org – an influential grassroots political advocacy organization. ABoR, the Austin Board of Realtors, also endorses her as well as the St. Edwards University student newspaper.

Lee Leffingwell

Without the aid of a Wikipedia entry for Lee Leffingwell, I had to use more varied sources for information about this Austin city council member running for mayor. We do know that Lee Leffingwell is a native Austenite, his father worked in the fire department and law enforcement and his mother at UT. Leffingwell entered the army, became a pilot, flying many missions, and later in his civilian career became a commercial jet pilot.

After retiring from piloting, he returned to Austin and became a community volunteer with an emphasis on ecological issues. Leffingwell is known for advocating a more transparent local government as well as looking forward at the inevitable growth of this city and how to bolster strong commerce and housing sectors and directly address the inevitable impact on the environment that this will have into the future. Also of interest is that Leffingwell was one of two city council members to vote against the forgivable loan for Las Manitas restaurant last year, suggesting that ultimately the loan would not have any real benefit for the city or downtown, only the restaurant. He also voted against proposals to restrict the size of new homes being built in certain parts of Austin claiming that such laws if in effect should be city wide, not just street to street, and added that many people these days are relying on add-on rental property as a way to improve their investment. Leffingwell has several significant endorsements, most notably the Austin Fire Department and Austin’s infamous independent free weekly, the Austin Chronicle.

Taken from the Austin Chronicle’s letter of endorsement regarding Leffingwell and Brewster McCracken published last week:

“The Chronicle board discussion of the candidates even suggested an apt and double-edged analogy: “Right now, who do you want in charge of city policy, your stodgy but reliable dad or your energetic younger brother?” We’ve opted strongly for the former.”

After doing the research I have decided that I will vote for Lee Leffingwell, and it has little to do with the Austin Chronicle’s endorsement. While I am not aware of his complete record, I appreciate his tone. Aside from 9/11 hijacker types, I generally believe that people who become pilots, specifically commercial pilots, have built in bravery, leadership qualities and an innate desire to look out for people.

These days it is rare to see a politician so openly reveal their sense of compassion and put forth the idea that helping the less fortunate is an important and necessary role in our city. His relationship with Austin’s environment, the parks, trails, waterways etc. is hard to deny and I trust Zilker Park and Lady Bird Lake in his hands.

One other interesting thing that I noticed was Lee Leffingwell’s website offers a Spanish language option. I do not believe I saw that option on the other candidate’s pages. As a bilingual American, I can appreciate that, and it shows intelligence in the campaign strategy. I also really like the personal and down to earth tone of his website, and although I am inherently suspicious of politicians, I find the man to be genuine about his dedication to making Austin a great place to live and be into the future.

Brewster McCracken has some appeal because he has strongly associated himself with the more fun aspects of Austin culture and received great press a few years ago for smoothing over some wrinkles when a percussion group was arrested during SXSW for parading into the street. I believe he needs more time to find his true position on the tougher issues that are facing Austin in the near future.

As for Strayhorn, I appreciate her straight ahead style and political experience, but she is a politician’s politician if there ever was one and no, she’s not my grandma. That type of campaign strategy strikes me as a thinly veiled version of politic fast food and her D.C. insider connectivity seems a bit much for the position of Mayor in weird old Austin Texas, despite our status as the state capitol.

April 6, 2009

I call bullshit on indie rockers

Filed under: Comedy — daz76 @ 4:30 am
Tags: , ,

Everybody always rips on hipsters saying they are lame. Actually, they are cool, and what most people don’t understand is that it’s indie rockers that are the lame ones. I know, I know, I’m not supposed to say that, we’re in Austin, indie music city, blah blah blah. I’m sorry, I call bullshit on indie rockers.

First of all, rock music is commercial as shit from the get go. The indie in indie rock doesn’t mean they are free spirits unshackled by convention, it means they are not on a real record label. And those are the good ones. The worst indie rockers are not signed at all, as independent from anything except maybe myspace. Point being, the use of the term “indie” is false advertising, because they definitely all sound, look, and play the same. I think the term omni rocker would be more appropriate, as in omni-interdependent rockers.

What other bad things have indie rockers done? Oh I don’t know, how about ruining Wu Tang Clan? Remember that?  All of us who were into the first Wu record were mortified when all the white, nerd indie rockers started getting all excited about the Clan. Yeah, we knew already, about two years ago! Total buzzkill. What else, well they tried to ruin Industrial music but couldn’t get past Nine Inch Nails, so aside from a brief intrusion into the world on Japanese Noise industrial is still relatively indie rock free.

Oh yeah, techno. These douche nozzles are currently in the throws of wrecking techno for the rest of us. They hate techno because of it’s ethnic gay roots (even though there is really nothing more gay than singing or strumming, as they do) yet they are jealous of its inherent coolness, so they play it with clunky instruments and heavy speakers and call it indie dance rock. It sucks. It’s bad, omni-interdependent rock vamping the art form of techno and I don’t like it.

Not to harp on the gay issue, but no man should be buying indie rock seven inch singles and actually “enjoying” music. It’s not a gay thing, it’s just a macho thing. Men should not be into music, especially music made by groups of young boys. That’s for girls, indie rock dudes. Also, emoting on a guitar is so masturbatorial it’s hilarious, silly and incredibly fem. Men should only play loud drums or cut records on the turntables, everything else is effeminate except for Motorhead, Cave Dweller, and playing cowbell.

So I think I’ve laid out a pretty good argument against indie rockers and for the sake of brevity I left out some of my lesser complaints such as all the jangling. I’m not trying to hurt any feelings here. No, I’m trying to directly offend the indie rock community so much so that they wake up, smell the coffee, shave their beards, laser remove the tattoos, get new cooler tattoos, grow their hair out like I did, and play some fucking metal.

October 14, 2008

TXRD 08 Roller Derby Championship Bout/Championship Afterparty

Filed under: Austin life — daz76 @ 4:40 am
Tags: , , ,

Back again this year for the TXRD championship bout and more importantly the after party and I was only punched once. That’s OK, I had it coming. It was all great and as usual you just can’t beat a high stakes roller derby event here in Austin Texas, it’s very serious business.

The whole thing was heavy as fuck from start to finish and my home girl Sacralicious from the Holy Rollers got nailed late in the second quarter and took a minute or two to get up… EMS came out to assist. Scary. She came back and later nearly knocked a Hellcat jammer over the rial, but more importantly straight into it, ribs first. Sweet, sweet Roller Derby vengeance. In the end the Holy Rollers took the game 18-14.

Another highlight was Tim Murphy making a guest appearance in the announcer booth, bringing back together the classic TXRD announcing team. I’m more of a TXRD fan than a roller derby fan in general so elements like that really add to the experience. It also appears that they have given The Mouth a wireless microphone so as well as acting as penalty wheel mistress she roams around the track adding her signature snarl to the over all soundtrack. It’s fucking great and all the kids were freaking out with fun.

At the after party I had to protect Mouth from some threatening guys at one point and when I got rid of them me and Mouth were talking and it was confirmed that she is still holding it down on local TV hosting “Up Late Austin” every week. Definitely check that out Monday nights on channel 16 and that’s where you get all the derby dirt/news and all things having to do with The Mouth.

The party was at the Cucaracha bar in the back of Jackalope. I indulged first in a Chipotle bacon burger, and then a few million beers. If you haven’t tried the food at Jackalope you have never eaten food or you are scared of punk rock. From there it’s a blur of laughing, talking, shouting, getting punched. Later we hit up Creek Side and and then called it a night. Roller Derby in Austin may not be the main reason I live here, but it’s in the top 20. OK it’s in the top 10.

Blog at WordPress.com.