June 15, 2009

Why I am Moving to Iran

Filed under: Comedy — daz76 @ 3:50 am
Tags: ,

So as you know I have decided that the time is right to move to Iran. A few friends and relatives have expressed  concern and outright indignation at my decision so I will lay out some of my reasoning for the move here, let you get inside my head on this one.

Top 10 reasons why I’m moving to Iran.

1. Cheap gas

2. Drugs are legal

3. Easier to visit my cousin Borat in Kazakhstan

4. Persian babes

5. No hip hop

6. They invented everything

7. Dudes run the show

8. Get to wear pajamas all the time

9. Beard connoisseur’s paradise

10. Tie: No boring Jesus/Turbans are awesome

Iran pic


May 29, 2009

Open letter to Gavin McInnes 2: I’m More Screwed and Chopped than You Will Ever Be

Filed under: Comedy — daz76 @ 4:49 am
Tags: , , , ,

Mr. McInnes,

Yet again you have engaged me in your odd world of off beat whatever and all I can say is that if you step to me and suggest that I don’t have cred in the world of screw then I’m coming back atcha on the net so hard all your BASS belongs to us.

What is my relationship with screw? Oh I don’t know, I live it every day maybe? Have you ever talked to me in person (at my house) because I use a pitch shifter on my voice in general conversation to be screwed. I always lean over a bit too, when sitting (leaning) on the couch for effect. My fucking Buick Le Sabre is hated in my apartment complex and they think I’m a hip hop satanist. This shit is not easy, being all screwed down for life.

I’m all chopped up too. Can you imagine what that’s like on a day to day?


I’m sorry but there is just no way I can mean mug you enough with my virtual e mail grill to express what I’m feeling here my president. Don’t come at me on the screw or else we are going to have a long ass slowed down conversation about it (pause) and to be real I can’t afford the jewelry right now.

SUC one love.


April 10, 2009

What’s annoying me today? So glad you asked!

Filed under: Comedy — daz76 @ 6:49 am
Tags: , , , , ,

I have been feeling kind of writey today so I’m just going in, thought I would see what damage could be rendered here.

What’s annoying me today? So glad you asked!


First up, your iphone sucks. Talking to someone on an iphone is like talking with loud, clanging high pitched static. It’s painful. It’s not just iphones, it’s googlephones too. Yes it’s amazing that you have Internet at the bar, but unfortunately all you do is look up dumb shit so is it really worth it having a shitty phone for that? Don’t they have other gadgets to go on the internet, and then you could actually get a phone that sounds good? Just saying, it’s a phone fail, you got gypped.

Middle aged women who use rap lingo.

OMG this is the worst, when you see 30/40ish looking women using hip hop lingo in email or on facebook. I guess it’s an ironic take on the whole inherent misogyny of hip hop culture, but ladies, I hate to tell you, it just makes you look like you are trying to impress junior high kids and thugs who think you are the devil. You listened to hot 97 instead of NPR while stuck in traffic? Wooooooow, you really are cool, urban too! BTW, the new way of saying wow is wooooooow. The truth is that you are all still ho’s in the world of hip hop when it boils down, and I’m sorry for that, but that’s real talk. Why don’t you guys (gals) invent some new shit just for yourselves and stop acting like you actually enjoy Little Wayne or Bird Man. If you really do like Little Wayne and really are the true spirit of hip hop in female form I apologize, I’m not referring to you (rolls eyes with great exaggeration).

Paranoid internet people.

These douches are sooo boring. I’m talking about people who act like they are so interesting and attractive that the whole world will want to come over for sex if they put a real picture or name in the internet. What’s hilarious to me about these folks is that in recent times the people that have presented this attitude to me have generally been mostly inoffensive, mildly uninteresting, and in the looks department, not so much. It’s mental illness and I think if you are going to be on the internet put up a real pic. I’m here to tell you, no one wants to stalk you! Again, sorry, but don’t kill the …

Indie rockers.

Oh wait, covered that last time. Did I forgot to mention that they also ruined black metal? Fuckers.

Digital photography.

Ho – lee – shit are people annoying with the photogs! I mean look, sure I love to see you having a good time and all, but WHO CARES? The funny thing is that the only people who care are the other people in the pictures and they are there with you. Why don’t you put down the camera and be in the moment for a minute or two. I guarantee you it’s time better spent than grinning your creepy terror face photo smile, all 900 of your teeth showing, eyes glaring, and no, just because everyone else poses like that it does not make you attractive in the least, quit the opposite. Get the smiling under control and take maybe 2 or 3 photos, that’s all you really need. I mean come on, I believe you, you went to some shitty day party at SXSW or creepy club, I believe you! Damn!

On that note, people seem to think that trendy accessories like bikes or Sparks makes for good photos. Again, no, you are wrong. You’re just another adult playing at being a kid and it’s booooo-riiiing . Take a picture of yourself going to your corporate sellout job hungover at 7:30 in the morning. Now we’re talking,¬† that’s interesting photography baby!

Theme parties.

What a mega cliche theme parties have become. Certain themes are always fun like a simple costume party, or girls with their boobs out. Nothing wrong there… I’m talking about all this nonsense where a bunch of people who know each other way to well all dress up on variations of a theme and take a bunch of photos (back to the photography) to prove they have friends. Yeah you have friends, a bunch of conformist, boring, uncreative friends who take the record reviews on pitchfork seriously. Did I mention all the boring?

I could go on but I have a few flame wars to start on the internet but I hope this has been helpful, if not slightly hurtful. You gots to break a few eggs if you want to make an omelet as they say, and I’m just doing my part to bring awareness to these oft overlooked issues. Thanks for taking this seriously, I love you all! Not!!

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