DAZ76

June 11, 2009

SBTVC, SRSLY?

Filed under: Comedy — daz76 @ 9:47 pm
Tags:

Dear Street Carnage,

Wow. You guys don’t know when to quit. I thought we were cool de la, but I stand corrected. It’s one thing to expose me as the mastermind that was able to completely undermine an entire website with the touch of a few buttons, or computer keys as it were, but to publish a letter on your blog re. my ceiling fan that I sent you in confidence is just going too far.

What you have done is disrupt my sense of trust in our already admittedly fragile relationship. You know, trust, rust with a t, Rust Never Sleeps… Niel Young… I thought you people were Canadians for crying out loud! I’m hurt more than upset here, miffed is too benign a word to express my emotion yet outraged paints a picture of me all sweaty and red faced and actually I look pretty good today and the AC is on, but I digress.

Like all good Americans I am an extremely litigious person with a predilection for representing myself in court and I don’t want to take it to that level because frankly I’m a bit busy trying to find my pants. Long story short… I was at a party and this one dude came up to me and asked if he could borrow my pants. I felt there must have been a good if not serious reason this guy needed my pants so of course I obliged. Turns out it was a prank to get me out of my pants as revenge for showing up at the party.

Apparently I wasn’t invited, pretty much the opposite of invited actually.  That group of people had recently grown to despise me for making fun of the music they like, the way they look, where thy hang out, ethnicity etc. I was doing it on facebook so I thought they knew I was just fuckin’ around. Actually I meant everything I said! Jokes on them after all even though my pants are probably hanging from a lamp post on east 6th.

So here I am with no pants, no friends, hungry, tired, and alone. And now this. It’s rich. Really, really rich.

Totally as an aside I was thinking about getting off the grid for a while, going back to nature. I had a lot of realizations about life and who I am on my recent spiritual retreat to the cheap district of Cancun. I was at Chili’s with a local transsexual hooker (nice people, the Mexicans) and I thought, “What am I doing with my life?” The answer was clear. I was high on coke hanging out at Chili’s in Mexico with a hooker, a tranny one at that.

I was overcome with joy at my achievement and immediately went and punched the budget guru/vision quest guide I had hired in the kisser. I let out a terse “Ass wanker” and myself and Monique (that’s my hooker’s stage name) got in a cab and flew back to Austin without filling out any paper work what so ever. Homeland Security? More like Homeland Shmeshmurity.

But yeah, no, I’m not sure about the tennis match on Wednesday. I busted out a few of the strings on my racket playing guitar but it should be fine, I’ll text. Also I can’t find some of my other tennis stuff… You guys seen my balls?

Tennis balls copy

Later days, take it sleazy,

Daz76

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May 29, 2009

Open letter to Gavin McInnes 2: I’m More Screwed and Chopped than You Will Ever Be

Filed under: Comedy — daz76 @ 4:49 am
Tags: , , , ,

Mr. McInnes,

Yet again you have engaged me in your odd world of off beat whatever and all I can say is that if you step to me and suggest that I don’t have cred in the world of screw then I’m coming back atcha on the net so hard all your BASS belongs to us.

What is my relationship with screw? Oh I don’t know, I live it every day maybe? Have you ever talked to me in person (at my house) because I use a pitch shifter on my voice in general conversation to be screwed. I always lean over a bit too, when sitting (leaning) on the couch for effect. My fucking Buick Le Sabre is hated in my apartment complex and they think I’m a hip hop satanist. This shit is not easy, being all screwed down for life.

I’m all chopped up too. Can you imagine what that’s like on a day to day?

No.

I’m sorry but there is just no way I can mean mug you enough with my virtual e mail grill to express what I’m feeling here my president. Don’t come at me on the screw or else we are going to have a long ass slowed down conversation about it (pause) and to be real I can’t afford the jewelry right now.

SUC one love.

Daz76

November 12, 2008

WTF with the street carnage??

First off, I just realized a little bit more how stupid a lot of people are. And mean too! that’s OK, I like being mean on the internet. I think I was the one who came up with the phrase “being a cunt sometimes is fun”. Didn’t I? The comments I moderate are usually for a really good reason and never for being insulting. I sort of collect insulting remarks as keepsakes.

Anyway, what’s up with the drama of me getting banned and then talked about/published at streetcarnage. You might wonder that because it’s probably the reason you’re here, because you linked from their site to the post below (An open letter to Gavin McInnes). Whomever wrote the piece they published today (Gavin, I guess) did a pretty good job of explaining what happened when they tried to ban me, but they didn’t really talk too much about why. Let’s just say I’m now going to share my side of the story. So do a bong rip and light a ciggy, you should be finished reading by the time you stub that motherfucker out.

I started reading Vice waaaay back in the day when I lived in NYC. Early 90’s and I would pick up a free copy every month at Other Music, the record store around the corner from where I lived. I kept them all and they were stacked around my shady old apartment on 4th street. I didn’t write much back then because frankly I’m really bad at it (that’s between me and you OK) and without a spell checker I’m fucked. Shit, I’m fucked with a spell checker so you get my point.  The main reason I started a blog was so that I would have to improve my writing skills. I’m not trying to get off topic here but want to point out for whatever it’s worth that the voice of Vice Magazine has been echoing in my head for years. I don’t know about now, but in many ways you can compare Vice to The UK version of the Office. Some people just can’t get past the cringe inducing quality of the material. Whether it be mean spirited remarks for the sake of comedy or some other kind of heavy handed cultural taboo used disrespectfully to get a laugh, of just shear idiocy for idiocy’s sake. I know people who can’t get past that in Vice and I always felt like I got it. As I lived in the east Village I deeply feared opening a fresh copy of Vice only to find myself standing there, jeans too baggy, dreadlocks, “Don’t mess with Texas” T shirt, sweater wrapped around my neck, with a record bag over my shoulder, staring back at myself out of the page like a douchey DJ dear caught in the headlights of the dont’s section. Fortunately, my shitty wardrobe and I made it out of NYC pretty much undocumented.

Point being, I’ve been reading Vice forever and I still get a kick when I find a new issue at Waterloo Records. I always grab two and give the extra to someone who doesn’t know the rag.

OK so I’ve been reading this shit forever and truth is I never looked to see who wrote what. Who ever they were they couldn’t have been entirely human so I kind of didn’t want to know. I have no idea how I stumbled across streetcarnage.com. I did though, bookmarked it and forgot about it. I came across it again, took a look and instantly loved it. I shit you not It wasn’t until very recently that I became aware of street carnage’s (Specifically Gavin McGinnes’) connection to the old Vice Magazine. The thing I mainly liked on Streetcarnage was Wasted Push ups. That’s what initially kept me coming back. If you don’t know what wasted push ups is, it’s some hipster kid in Thunder Bay Canada getting wasted on various hard drugs and doing push ups on his web cam. It’s amazing and the videos are usually well under two minutes.

When I started this blog not too long ago I was wondering how to get readers and was asking people what to do. This girl I know who runs a vampire blog told me to start commenting on the blogs that I read. I was like “oh yeah” and started reading more of the posts on SC and leaving comments. People are pretty rude over there and I received some nasty remarks but that’s part of the fun. I didn’t take anything too seriously and just kept on reading and commenting. I noticed there were other frequent commenters too, so I didn’t think I was doing anything so unusual.

That’s when I started to look at this thing they have on the site called the talk box. It a small text field and it invites, “Leave a message and it’s on our homepage”. It was only logical to utilize this little box to promote my site. To me, that’s what it was there for. I was impressed that the street carnage team had so brilliantly referenced the impermanence of street art and encouraging that type of free wheeling one way communication; quick messages that might only linger for minutes, even seconds before some one else would come along and eradicate them with their own digital brand. It almost seemed like a game, I would write something, someone else would modify it, and I would go back again and reclaim my little white text field like a graffiti writer monitors a wall. I honestly thought that’s what it was all about and was shocked when they initially shut me out of the site.

I was concerned because someone named Burt Sirloin (I’m guessing now an alias from a street carnage person) was sending me insulting messages and telling me to stay away from SC. I was like fuck you! I kept on messing with the box. I write poetry and graffiti so it just appealed to my sense of text playfulness and one time another blogger contacted me saying thanks for writing my name next to hers instead of going over it. I was even being fucking considerate!!

Let me say too that at the time the other messages people were leaving were stupid, offensive, juvenile and often sort of funny. I wasn’t taking much away by utilizing the talk box and I’m confident the only person I really bothered was the sucker who’s job it is to stare at the street carnage homepage all day and unfortunately for me that’s probably the same person who knows how to ban people from the site.

Or so they thought.

Because, as you can read in their post, while trying to ban just me they ended up banning everyone, including themselves!! Ha Ha Ha Ha!! That’s fucking hilarious! Can you imagine how confusing and frustrating that must have been?? I’m only laughing hysterically because of my role in all this, I have no ill will toward anyone at street carnage at all. No way could I have ever imagined the technological nightmare they suffered no doubt over the weekend in trying to silence my voice, my annoying, self promoting, bloggy little voice.

It’s quite plausible that I am the first person to be banned from street carnage, and as I pointed out to them in my first concerned email, that kind of makes me the coolest person on the internet.

I wrote a very nice letter to them asking that they confirm that they indeed banned me, not some mean hacker who hates my poetry and the next day I recieved an email from Gavin stating that they had indeed banned me. I was embarrassed about the whole thing and wrote him back, the email they published.

I then pretty much stopped looking at street carnage exactly for the reason exemplified by today’s amazing post- I was waiting to get publicly fucked with.

Yesterday Gavin contacted me again angry that I was still spamming the site. Fact is I was not and I assured him of that and it’s all good. I suggested he give me a shot at writing something for street carnage, and I’m sure by then he was already thinking, “You already did, bitch, you already did…”.

So there you have it, that’s how I became famous on street carnage and I didn’t even have to get wasted or do any push ups. I love street carnage and I hope they don’t hate me. Initially I was thinking that they owed me a beer for being dicks but now I realize that I probably owe them a beer for being the reason for so much fucked up internet stuff, but the thought of Mr. McInnes (Mr. McAnus) not being able to access his own blog is priceless- especially when the message pops up:

“You have been banned for endlessly promoting you awful blog”!! or whatever it was.

I love that guy, but you got to admit, that’s fucking funny.

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